So I Went To This Theme Park… (Pt. 3)

WARNING: RATED “R” FOR TOTALLY “R”ADICAL…and coarse language.

Previously, on Nerd Nexus: http://www.nerdnexus.com/so-i-went-to-this-theme-park-pt-2/

Where was I? Oh right, IN A DARK, POWERLESS, BORING C&C! Well naturally I caught some shut-eye. Not much really happened during the night. Lots of ‘roar’ sounds playing from outside. I wish they’d have shut up, I mean, sleeping on a floor is uncomfortable enough, right? The funny-lookin’ fatass from earlier had hauled out and I guess he was gone. They kept talking about him anyway. “Wayne” this and “Wayne” that. Even ol’ Samuel L., “We can’t get Jurassic Park back online without Wayne Knight.” Oh man, no internets? Now what am I gonna do when you fix the power, play solitaire? Well okay, I’m not gonna lie; Freecell FTW.

So I’m checkin’ out this sweet-ass lookin’ breakfast that’s probably from yesterday, just layed out waiting for god knows what. Obviously, I tear right into that shit but NOOO, we have to go to some shitty storage bunker and do fuck all for the rest of the day. Great, that sounds like a plan, let’s go, can’t wait. I love dark bunkers with even less to do than here. Can I at least take a crepe?

Samuel L. apparently needed to go off to go fix the power but I don’t see why this needed ALL of us. I mean, if I had it my way, I’d have LEFT already, if I saw like an exit, or a doorway that said “GTFO here”, I’d take it. So far what I’ve seen is graphics that aren’t on-par with Crysis, empty pens with names on them, and a goat. Well okay, two goats, and one of them was very big, not furry, and looked kind of like an iguanagoat. Let’s call ‘im ‘Iggy’. I was one not-happy-camper. (Overnight-stay makes it camping, SHUT UP, I DON’T CARE IF IT WAS A FLOOR!)

Now I’m really not one to bitch but… well okay, yes I am. When we get to the bunker, three guesses who gets to leave. That’s right, everyone who’s cool. First Samuel L., then the English mofo and MILF take off (together I might add. Hmm, wonder what’s going on there, eh?). So now I get to chill with Jeff, who’s whining about his straw-allergy, and baldy, whining about his kids: his really annoying bratty kids. Yeah man, I’m sure they miss you too, you and your big fat chequebook.

So it turns out that while MILF and English dude are out, they stumbled across a black guy’s arm. No doubt one of the guys who built the place. I guess these two aren’t privy to Snakes on a Plane though ‘cuz they automatically assumed it was Jackson. Last I checked, he was as tired of these mothafucking dinosaurs on his mothafucking plains, as he was tired of those mothafucking snakes on that mothafucking plane. So yeah, recap. Sam and the annoying kids are out of the way. Wayne Knight went home. Lawyer was dinner. Some poor sap got stuck behind a box and his arm is mistaken for the black-guy equivalent of Chuck Norris.

MILF came back, but apparently the English guy left too. Guess he was so bored that he couldn’t take this shit anymore. I don’t blame him, not that sitting around in a bunker isn’t my idea of a great vacation… just maybe with a bit more XBL and internets it might be a TAD better, right? Well anyway, guess who picked the greatest time to show up too? That’s right, Sam with pappy’s grandkids. Yep, that’s just what I wanted to put up with. The next 10 minutes consisted of me sitting in the corner, annoyed while THEY ATE MY F-ING FOOD! WHAT THE EFF! Like come on, I’ve been hungry all morning. You’ve been out in the jungle, why didn’t you eat a pineapple or something? This trip so far – SUCKS, last thing I ate was some awesome super-high class shit in a badass lookin’ dinner hall. That was the day before. This high-class food, it’s like chinese; when you’re done, you’re hungry again in half an hour. Like don’t gemme wrong, it’s AWESOME while you’re eating it, but far LESS awesome when that’s all you’ve had for two days. You’d think with planning like that, they’d put a McDonalds on the island or something.

At this point I’m gonna stretch out for a moment. At the beginning of this whole ordeal, Sam was talking about some book that he wrote, apparently. Well, the kid was talking to him about it but that don’t matter. ANYWAY, long story short… All the animals on the island are birds. So get this… these two big-ass birds followed the kids into the banquet hall and… wait for it… ARE CHASING THEM AROUND THE KITCHEN! Hahaha, you stupid kids, that’s what you get for touchin’ mah food. You gonna be bird food now, bitches.

The kids got out of that (aw nuts) and we go to the C&C room. Kane was there waiting for us and told us that the time had come for him to end the reign of GDI. The greatest legions of the brotherhood of Nod were standing outside, surrounding our location and… haha no, I’m just fuckin’ with ya. Apparently the locks were broken and now the birds were coming after US. Yeah great, thanks kids, I’d love to be pecked to death today, you’re awesome. So the bratty girl thinks she can fix shit because she’s a script kiddy, “It’s a Unix system, I know this”. Bitch if my computer moved that slow, I’d be using Windows 95. So long story short, it’s a Mac. An old mac, and you’re a n00b. Anyway, she manages to “navigate her way through the commands”, because it lists them all in big blocks that take up way too much space. Come on, I seen DOS computers that were more aff… affishint? than that. Right?

I found out a moment later that this really didn’t mean shit ‘cuz they got in some other way, anyway! Couple of capgun shots later and it was time to climb up into the vents, ‘cuz we just blocked our only way out… yet somehow the birds were getting in anyway. Yeah… that makes sense. Sam kicked the ladder down that we used to climb up and you should’a SEEN the look on the bird’s face. It was all “Yeah so… I don’t fuckin’ care”. pwned, Sam, pwned.

‘pparently the ONLY legit way out at this point is to climb out of the vents… down some big-ass skeleton statues. This is NOT cool. NOT! I forgot t’mention that climbing down statues isn’t really my “4-tay”, so really, this is a pretty embarrassing part of the story. I started out wi-SHIT IT’S SPELT ‘EFFICIENT’! Man, I suck ass at English today. So where was I? Right – there we are at the front door and a couple of the big-ass birds are waiting for us. I guess birds are smart or they know the layout or something, I dunno. Honestly, I think there were more of them waiting for us. Still some big-ass birds in the kitchen, still some big-ass birds at the C&C room, now here’s some more big-ass birds. That is a LOT of big-ass birds! One of them’s creeping up on us in a “Baaaaaam!” pose and then… well, “Bam!”, IGGY COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND EATS THA’ MOTHAFUCKING BIRD! Iggy man, you so pro, to the maaaaax.

Baldy was waiting for us outside ‘nd he drove us to the choppa. I must say, I haven’t really had a theme park day like this before. I been ‘ta wonderland ‘nd disneyland and flintstone land and they were all pretty different, and all fun in their own way – but in NONE of these places was I ever devoid of a bed to have “fun”. Fuck you, Baldy, go play Kris Kringle in a bad remake, it’ll suit you better.

AND I’M STILL HUNGRY, DAMNIT!

-fin

-Jeff “DanyLektro”

Personal note: Most of the characters in this film I called by the actor’s names. Sam Niel played the wonderful lead, Dr. Alan Grant, for instance. If I didn’t know the actor’s name because I failed to care about the actor, I didn’t mention it. Normally my English is a bit more distinguished than it’s been written here, but of course, I was in character of an idiot, much like yourself. I was very tempted to tag the last photo, “GOATse”.