So I Went To This Theme Park… (Pt. 2)

WARNING: RATED “R” FOR TOTALLY “R”ADICAL…and coarse language.

Previously, on Nerd Nexus: http://www.nerdnexus.com/jurassic-park-part-1/

Here we are in these green SUV’s, I don’t know, I guess green’s the new bling or something – and the bratty chick I mentioned? Oh man, she has a couple orgasms over the inter… ackta… viddy… ah, the touchscreen. I’m just sitting here thinkin’ “man, if I want touchscreen, I’ll just get a DS. OLD!”.

So everyone who ISN’T a total fag just gets into the other lime on wheels and we finally get moving. After passing through some giant doors and a rewind-the-VHS-to-watch-it-over-again joke about King Kong, we finally get to the POINT of this whole trip; the wildlife that supposedly isn’t just some 3D-image. Apparently, we’re entering the “Dielofosore-us” pen and wow, what do you know, no pee on the car. No monkeys. No 3D… no nothin’. Srsly, it was trees with bad narration. Like, if you’re gonna pour all this money into a theme park, at least get Morgan Freeman to narrate, right? So yeah, guess you could say “total bull, yo”. In the middle of the road at the next term, half the people get out of the SUVs, probably on account ‘a how bored we were.

We keep going and come across another pen, this one, a bit more open (and with a straw-bathroom. No shitting you, STRAW! They supposed to got big bad wolves in this park and you build a washroom out of straw? Why not just put us in SUVs too! Oh wait..), but guess what? That’s right Sherlock, fuck all shows up. I’ve seen better shows from drunk chicks downtown on a party night. I’ve had more fun playing Daikatana. I’d rather be watching Starship Troopers 2. You get the idea, right?

Anyway, they decide “hey let’s get some of this shit out here”, and we hear Mr. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON tells us this. F’kyeah. When S.L. Jackson’s on the case, ain’t nothin’ gonna piss him off. NOTHIN’! Well, didn’t turn out to be as epic as that. They hit some buttons and a lil’ cage comes up outta the ground. Suddenly we got….. A GOAT! Wait, what? This is your theme park? A goat from a cage in the ground? Gimme Wild Water Kingdom any day. Now they’s got some REAL monsters; 8 year old spoiled kids. HUNDREDS of them! So no shit, we’re sitting here staring at this goat for hours. It starts raining, it gets dark. It’s nighttime, and we’ve been staring at a goat for an hours. Then some real shit starts going down – namely, the power goes down.

Now at this point we start contemplating, really, why the shit we all came out here. We’ve seen two empty pens, a giant puppet that we got out of the car for and a goat. I’m really missin’ my COD4 right about now, the adults are borin’ the hell out of me talkin’ about kids. The kids are playing with things under their seat, I guess and making fun of each other. Then I see the lawyer-dude run out to that little straw washroom. I guess all the rainwater finally got to him.

A moment or two passes and we notice that thing just ain’t right now, you know? The cables on the side of the pen start snapping off. One of the polls COMPLETELY unnaturally bends towards one of the SUVs, and then a giant goat crashes through what’s left of the fence and starts “bah”ing. ‘Cept instead of “bah” it’s “RAWR” and instead of “goat”, ‘s more like a big T-Rex, you know like in Turok? Looks pretty real I gotta say, ‘n everyone starts freaking out. They’re scared I guess, I don’t know, no worse than a roller coaster at six-flags. Well, at least until it starts tearing up the other car. I guess that wasn’t really in the description, so I just sat down and watched it all go to hell. It’s a shakedown of the park, I gotta give ‘em feedback, right?

So Sam & Jeff actually got OUT of the car and start trying to fuck with the big goat. By the end of it, Sam ended up stuck on the other side of the pen with his goofy hat and Jeff hurt his leg or something ‘cuz he’s allergic to straw. All in all, the BEST part about it was the lawyer.  Caught him sitting on the toilet WITH HIS PANTS UP! I’ll bet he pissed himself or something and was crying. The goat showed him who was boss with that though, haha. I hear some more screaming but then I start to get really peeved because, get this, on top of the HOURS of waiting for the ubergoat to show up, I gotta wait like 10 minutes for them to pick me up in a jeep. What’s wrong, you don’t got a back up generator? CAN’T HANDLE A STORM IN THE TROPICS? Weak, you guys ought be prepared for a storm on a tropical island, seriously, you’ll get one every day or two. “Oh sorry guys, hurricane that we didn’t expect, we gotta close down for the rest of the night. Hope it wasn’t too hard to chopper all the way over here, come back again soon!” Yeah right. Don’t make me sue you.

The English dude in the jeep and that MILF drove me back to the Visitor’s Command Centre again. I tell you, without power, that place sucks a lot more. I’d have killed for a DS, or just a touch-screen ‘interactive’ monitor. (I found out the word, it’s interactive!)

To be continued…

Part III: http://www.nerdnexus.com/so-i-went-to-this-theme-park-pt-3/

–Jeff “DanyLektro”