So I Went To This Theme Park… (Pt. 1)

WARNING: RATED “R” FOR TOTALLY “R”ADICAL…and coarse language.

So I went to this theme park on the weekend and lemme tell you, they don’t make them like they used to! I remember when I was just a young man, my babysitter decided to make my weekend fun for myself and her boyfriend’s daughter. Together they took us out in their old Pontiac to African Lion Safari. There, we learned exactly how long a monkey will tease you before it decides to pee on your car. What I wish I’d been old enough to comprehend is just how often these monkeys have to pee, to hit every car during the day!

That was nothing compared to this, though. This older guy, can’t recall his name; Ham-something, invited us out to tour his island while he worked out some of the quirks in their state-of-the-art-fully-automated-system. He said that it had something to do with these big reptiles that died off millions of years ago. Simply put: Yeah right, old man,  and King Kong just got gunned down on top the Empire State.

We copter’d our way over there and what do you know, some guys named Sam and Jeff were there too, along with a MILF and a lawyer, but he was a wimp so we all kind of just ignored him. I mean, this guy tripped on a toilet stall, let’s just leave it at that. Anyway, the chopper lands and we take these REALLY unexciting jeeps. What do you know? We stop, right smack in the middle of nowhere, and some giant pastel-looking 3D imagery starts stamping around. Now naturally, everyone else was jizzing their pants over this. I guess none of them saw the StarCraft II TV spot: WAY higher-def. I didn’t mind though because John Williams had scored it, no more of that WoW-soundtrack bull that I’m tired of.

Moving on, we got back in the ghetto-jeeps and made our way to the “visitor’s centre”. Now I don’t know where they come off calling it that because this place was the whole command centre and research laboratory. Unless the lab is a walk-in for any scientist who feels like chillin’ then this ain’t no visitor’s centre, this is C&C. Not like the games with that bald guy and Tim Curry, Command and Control. Though according to Star Trek VI it’s also “Commander ‘n Chief” so I think they gotta just pick one, you know? They got the “Command” part pretty much down in all of them but then it’s up to interpretation I guess.

So get this, who’s up in the C&C runnin’ this bitch? SAMUAL L. JACKSON, and when you see that guy’s face, man you know nothing ain’t can go wrong, you know? He was tired of these motherfucking glitches in that motherfucking system. There was also some English dude and a fat guy, but who can notice that when you see Mr. Bad Mother Fucker himself, eh? As I was saying, Mr. baldy was taking us on this really terribad ride and it turns out Sam and Jeff would have none of it, so they forced their way out into what’s laughingly called “the lab”. There was some dude with a powerglove in there, moving bad-looking incomplete DNA on an old CRT monitor. It’d be hardcore, like 20 years ago. We chilled in there for a bit while this butt-ugly bird hatched and Jeff started making fun of what the eggheads were apparently doing. Now hey, I’m not one to judge but if you ask me, the best way to make fun of these guys was just point at the powerglove and laugh. Nobody really seemed to listen to him though ‘cuz they were all hung-up on this bird hatchin’ from its egg, I guess ‘cuz for a bird, it was ugly-as-sin! Seriously, I’ve turned down fat chicks prettier than this.

Baldy takes us outside for a walk where we run into the English guy again. Must say, he was pretty chill. They dumped a cow into this kinda cage-like thing and I guess the harness was caught or something, because when they pulled it back out (sans cow) it was a wreck. We’re talking Lindsey Lohan after a night of clubbing kind of wreck. I guess it’s all good though ‘cuz they all just laughed it off – except for the chick. She looked like she was going to throw up or something, guess she doesn’t like seeing good equipment go to waste or something. Lunch was some rich-folk food that I just kinda swallowed up while people took pot-shots at each other. Like jeez, guys, grow up. This bald guy’s giving you a free vacation. F-R-E-E, at least thank the old geezer for the food.

On the way back to where we came in, we all found out baldy not only had kids… but his kids had kids. One of them was this REALLY bratty girl (she’s a veggie-tarian, a shut-in, and self-proclaimed hacker. Can you say ‘script kiddie?) and the other was this annoying little.. uh.. “playleontology” dork. I guess that’s like, the study of legos or something. Turns out that none of what we’ve seen so far is the tour, no no, the tour’s all in SUVs on a track, African Lion Safari much? Oh well, least it ain’t my car gettin’ pissed on, am I right?

To be continued…

Part II: http://www.nerdnexus.com/so-i-went-to-this-theme-park-pt-2/

–Jeff “DanyLektro”